


underworldSorcerer has joined the chatroom

by horsechiffon



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: M/M, threeway relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21898057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horsechiffon/pseuds/horsechiffon
Summary: For a secret santa. This is Emet-Selch, Hythlodaeus, and the 14th in a chatroom. First chapter uses screen names, second doesn't. :V
Relationships: Solus zos Galvus | Emet-Selch/Hythlodaeus/Warrior of Light
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

underworldSorcerer has joined.

goldenUtopia has joined.

\---

uS: Where is he. 

gU: Probably trying to find some connectivity somewhere.

uS: ???

uS: There’s connectivity everywhere. He should be near an aetheryte.

gU: Unless…

uS: Unless…….

gU: Do you think they have aetherytes hot spots underwater?

uS: …Why…

gU: Said he was looking for some new species or something.

uS: for fuck’s sake, we have a reservation at the restaurant at nine.

gU: Oh?

uS: Oh my god you don’t remember either. 

uS: You’re both useless.

uS: Can you guess what day it might be?

soleGardener has joined.

uS: Well, LOOK who has deigned to grace us with his presence. The most radiant, ephemeral, his graciousness….!

sG: Oooo…. Someone’s a sour little apple today, huh.

uS: I wonder why.

gU: I think we forgot something.

sG: Hm? I have everything I need with me. I managed to Create an access point where I am.

uS: And, pray tell, where are you?

sG: A grotto. Lahabrea asked me to do a little research. He was going to ask you but he knows how much you hate doing anything he asks.

gU: I thought you were going to say he just hates doing anything.

uS: No, that’s you. 

gU: I am an active member of a club.

uS: Mmhm.

sG: You’re in a club?

gU: Of course! I’m no slouch. I have activities outside of work.

uS: “Work”.

gU: Hey!

uS: Accidentally making things while trying to make other things doesn’t make you an architect.

uS: Well. Maybe in the same way baking a chocolate chip cookie makes you an architect.

gU: I Create the best chocolate chip cookies around and you know it.

sG: What’s this club?

uS: autofellators anonymous.

gU: You know, just some this and that.

uS: ah HA. I’m right! How many people are in this club?

gU: Psh, like, a thousand.

uS: It’s an ant colony. I’m calling it right now. He’s calling him and his ant colony a club.

gU: They are all productive members—

gU: Hey.

uS: Are you using convocation resources for it.

sG: Isn’t Hythlodaeus your department?

uS: …Yes. And he has been for five hundred years. Is this news to you?

sG: Oof, time flies, huh? Seems like just yesterday that….

gU: Hmm?

uS: Did you, perhaps, remember something?

sG: Oh no… 

gU: Are you okay?

soleGardener has sent a Private Message.

sG: HyTH WE FORGOT.

gU: I forget stuff all the time, what now

sG: ANNIVERSARY

gU: …

gU: oh, no.

sG: Hades is going to go absolutely nuclear.

gU: We can fix this. Uhhhh. Get out of that cave you’re in.

sG: Grotto

gU: Whatever just get over here.

sG: OKAY, okay.

soleGardener has gone offline.  
goldenUtopia has gone offline.

uS: … Hello?

uS: Ugh.

uS: I suppose it will be just me, by my lonesome… At a reservation for three. You two really know how to make a man feel loved and special!

underworldSorcerer has gone offline.

soleGardener has joined the chat.

sG: DAMN IT.

goldenUtopia has joined the chat

gU: Oops.

sG: He’s not at home.

gU: Not at work, either.

sG: Uhhh… Check the park, maybe?

gU: Wait… He mentioned a reservation. Do you think he’s there?

sG: I don’t know… It’s way ahead, isn’t it?

gU: It is…. thirty minutes after, actually.

sG: Oh no.

underworldSorcerer has joined the chat.

uS: Have my brilliant little detectives sleuthed this one out? 

sG: …

gU: Oh, c’mon. Just tell us where you are.

uS: No. 

uS: Because I told you already. So now you have to guess. 

uS: If you love me you’ll figure it out.

sG: Hey, love. 

sG: Don’t take this the wrong way, but…

sG: How drunk are you?

uS: Somewhat. And the longer you take the drunker I’ll be. One of you had better get ready to carry me home.

gU: Hmm.. Where in Amaurot do they not cut Hades off after the third glass…

uS: Excuse me!? No one cuts me off!

gU: Of course they don’t… They just “run out of what you’re drinking” or tell you they “have to close soon”.

uS: I am a respectable member of society. Haven’t I earned this?

sG: Of course! 

sG: Just also, can we have some more hints about where you are.

uS: Hmm. Scoundrels that you are, can’t picture where I might want to host us for a romantic evening?

gU: Uhh… What does Hades find most romantic…

sG: Stars.

gU: Alcohol

sG: Clothes

gU: Sleeping

sG: Oh fuck, that’s it.

uS: I did not make us a reservation to sleep.

sG: But didn’t you? You’re at the Aurora, aren’t you?

gU: Oh yeah! The hotel’s restaurant and bar. You have a permanent room there, don’t you?

uS: Ohhh? Perhaps you two do know me a little bit.

gU: A little bit…

sG: Hades is so mad….

uS: I have gifts, you know.

uS: for each of you.

sG: uh oh.

gU: Oh nooooo…. 

gU: They’re probably REALLY thoughtful.

uS: Oh. They are. Because SOMEONE in this relationship isn’t totally selfish.

sG: I’m sorry, Hades…..

gU: Oh, he’ll get over it.

uS: for that, I won’t. 

uS: I will specifically NOT get over this. 

uS: You both owe me. 

uS: This is so humiliating. 

uS: I forgot to cancel dessert.

sG: OH NO….

uS: I am going to eat three pieces of cake all by myself.

gU: Oh no, don’t do it.

uS: You can’t stop me. You physically cannot because you aren’t here and if you try to teleport in I will send you to the middle of the ocean. It’s too late to change course now.

sG: You’re going to make yourself sick.

uS: I am. And then you’ll both feel even worse when I get sick in your wash closet.

sG: there’s a convocation meeting tomorrow.

uS: I don’t care. Tell them I’m in mourning.

gU: What exactly are you mourning, Hades?

uS: Oh you know, my dignity. My sense of security in my relationship. 

uS: My digestive tract, mostly.

sG: It’s a mandatory one, isn’t it?

uS: So was our anniversary dinner, but that worked out well, didn’t it?

gU: I don’t think we should be trying to get him to go to the meeting tomorrow...

uS: Oh and you can remember which meetings are mandatory, but not our anniversary dinner?

uS: Maybe you should be with Elidibus, then!

sG: But I don’t want to be with Elidibus…

gU: That’d be like dating a soggy bag of sawdust.

sG: Yeah but like, a worried bag of sawdust.

uS: Elidibus wouldn’t forget about our anniversary.

sG: Hades, please....

uS: please what?

sG: Please… don’t make yourself sick, at least.

uS: I am going to order another piece of cake, just for that.

gU: HADES.

uS: What?

gU: Let’s just… Settle down, maybe stop drinking wine. How much wine have you had, anyway?

uS: As much as I wanted.

gU: That’s a really nice, specific measurement that doesn’t incite any amount of worry.

uS: Oh, shut up, you aren’t worried.

gU: Not for your physical state, no. You can handle whatever you’ve decided to do to yourself.

gU: But you’re just being dramatic, right?

gU: You know we love you.

uS: Funny way of showing it.

sG: Aw, come on, Hades.

sG: We know the day was important to you… 

uS: Choose your words carefully.

sG: But we didn’t mean to hurt you.

gU: Even though we did. The days slip by sometimes.

uS: But why this one?

gU: We just had an anniversary last year!

uS: I swear if you make me explain the concept of a yearly holiday to you one more time.

gU: We’re also thousands of years old.

uS: And that pesky little unit of measurement rears its ugly head again, doesn’t it?

sG: I think what Hythlodaeus is TRYING to say is that we spend all year with you, and we’ve spent hundreds of anniversaries with you… 

uS: But this one is special, did you know that?

sG: Is it?

gU: …

gU: Oh.

gU: It’s been a thousand years now, hasn’t it?

sG: Really?!

uS: Or it would have been!

gU: Would have? What, are you breaking up with us?

uS: No, but I should!

sG: We were going to spend our one-thousandth anniversary at a hotel bar?

uS: You make it sound so uncouth. That wasn’t all there was to it.

gU: Yeah there was cake apparently.

uS: You’re right. WAS.

gU: How sick do you feel?

uS: Very.

sG: Wait, did you have some other kind of surprise for us?

uS: Maybe! But maybe you’ll have to wait for the next one.

gU: Next anniversary?

uS: No.

sG: Next millenia…

uS: Yes. 

gU: You’re going to make us wait a thousand years to find out your surprise?

uS: It’s what you deserve. If you disagree I will allow you one hour to attempt to make it up to me tonight. 

gU: … 

sG: … Okay.

gU: Are you saying that because you want to know what the surprise is?

sG: Rude. 

sG: Yes, but also I love Hades.

uS: Good answer.

uS: I wonder which of you loves me more.

sG: Me.

gU: Yeah I was gonna say he does.

uS: Interesting! Not even willing to compete for my affections, Hythlodaeus?

gU: Drunk Hades has no affection to give. I know when I’m going to lose before I start.

uS: Spoilsport.

gU: Drunkard.

uS: Shirker.

gU: Pervert.

uS: Idler.

gU: Autocrat.

uS: Malingerer.

gU: Those are all synonyms.

uS: You have mostly one or two faults, but you truly excel at them.

gU: Uh-Huh.

uS: I really go out of my way to improve myself, you know.. That’s why I’m the Emet-Selch.

gU: You’re Emet-Selch because you didn’t say no to Elidibus.

uS: Accepting a position is, in fact, a qualifier. I did you a favor. If I said no, they would have had to go to the poor bastard under me.

gU: In their infinite wisdom, I do not think they would have done worse. He is… Much worse.

uS: He can distinguish eight colors.

gU: I’m sure that would have been sufficient.

sG: You are both so catty, do you know that?

uS: Oh, are you still here?

sG: I can always still leave.

uS: Only if you come pick me up. 

sG: You didn’t reserve a room?

uS: I did, but much like the cake….

gU: Oh no.

uS: If I’m seen going to the honeymoon suite by myself I will have to resign. I will not survive the gossip.

gU: Surely… The people of Amaurot would respect your privacy…

uS:I don’t have privacy anymore! They took my citizens’ mask! “Oh who is this drunk bastard going into the sexy room by his lonesome? I wonder who he is? Oh, look, what might that red mask mean?”

gU: You could just put on a regular mask.

uS: And I’m sure no-one would notice that.

sG: Hey

uS: …?

sG: You done being mad?

uS: No.

sG: Okay but can we come get you?

uS: ….

uS: Yeah. I'd like that.

underworldSorcerer has logged off.  
soleGardener has logged off.  
goldenUtopia has logged off.


	2. This is the same as the first chapter but without screen names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same as chapter one but for readability cuz I know not everyone was into homestuck

underworldSorcerer has joined.

goldenUtopia has joined.

\---

Hades: Where is he.

Hythlodaeus: Probably trying to find some connectivity somewhere.

Hades: ???

Hades: There’s connectivity everywhere. He should be near an aetheryte.

Hythlodaeus: Unless…

Hades: Unless…….

Hythlodaeus: Do you think they have aetherytes hot spots underwater?

Hades: …Why…

Hythlodaeus: Said he was looking for some new species or something.

Hades: for fuck’s sake, we have a reservation at the restaurant at nine.

Hythlodaeus: Oh?

Hades: Oh my god you don’t remember either.

Hades: You’re both useless.

Hades: Can you guess what day it might be?

soleGardener has joined.

Hades: Well, LOOK who has deigned to grace us with his presence. The most radiant, ephemeral, his graciousness….!

Fourteenth: Oooo…. Someone’s a sour little apple today, huh.

Hades: I wonder why.

Hythlodaeus: I think we forgot something.

Fourteenth: Hm? I have everything I need with me. I managed to Create an access point where I am.

Hades: And, pray tell, where are you?

Fourteenth: A grotto. Lahabrea asked me to do a little research. He was going to ask you but he knows how much you hate doing anything he asks.

Hythlodaeus: I thought you were going to say he just hates doing anything.

Hades: No, that’s you.

Hythlodaeus: I am an active member of a club.

Hades: Mmhm.

Fourteenth: You’re in a club?

Hythlodaeus: Of course! I’m no slouch. I have activities outside of work.

Hades: “Work”.

Hythlodaeus: Hey!

Hades: Accidentally making things while trying to make other things doesn’t make you an architect.

Hades: Well. Maybe in the same way baking a chocolate chip cookie makes you an architect.

Hythlodaeus: I Create the best chocolate chip cookies around and you know it.

Fourteenth: What’s this club?

Hades: autofellators anonymous.

Hythlodaeus: You know, just some this and that.

Hades: ah HA. I’m right! How many people are in this club?

Hythlodaeus: Psh, like, a thousand.

Hades: It’s an ant colony. I’m calling it right now. He’s calling him and his ant colony a club.

Hythlodaeus: They are all productive members—

Hythlodaeus: Hey.

Hades: Are you using convocation resources for it.

Fourteenth: Isn’t Hythlodaeus your department?

Hades: …Yes. And he has been for five hundred years. Is this news to you?

Fourteenth: Oof, time flies, huh? Seems like just yesterday that….

Hythlodaeus: Hmm?

Hades: Did you, perhaps, remember something?

Fourteenth: Oh no…

Hythlodaeus: Are you okay?

soleGardener has sent a Private Message.

Fourteenth: HyTH WE FORGOT.

Hythlodaeus: I forget stuff all the time, what now

Fourteenth: ANNIVERSARY

Hythlodaeus: …

Hythlodaeus: oh, no.

Fourteenth: Hades is going to go absolutely nuclear.

Hythlodaeus: We can fix this. Uhhhh. Get out of that cave you’re in.

Fourteenth: Grotto

Hythlodaeus: Whatever just get over here.

Fourteenth: OKAY, okay.

soleGardener has gone offline.  
goldenUtopia has gone offline.

Hades: … Hello?

Hades: Ugh.

Hades: I suppose it will be just me, by my lonesome… At a reservation for three. You two really know how to make a man feel loved and special!

underworldSorcerer has gone offline.

soleGardener has joined the chat.

Fourteenth: DAMN IT.

goldenUtopia has joined the chat

Hythlodaeus: Oops.

Fourteenth: He’s not at home.

Hythlodaeus: Not at work, either.

Fourteenth: Uhhh… Check the park, maybe?

Hythlodaeus: Wait… He mentioned a reservation. Do you think he’s there?

Fourteenth: I don’t know… It’s way ahead, isn’t it?

Hythlodaeus: It is…. thirty minutes after, actually.

Fourteenth: Oh no.

underworldSorcerer has joined the chat.

Hades: Have my brilliant little detectives sleuthed this one out?

Fourteenth: …

Hythlodaeus: Oh, c’mon. Just tell us where you are.

Hades: No.

Hades: Because I told you already. So now you have to guess.

Hades: If you love me you’ll figure it out.

Fourteenth: Hey, love.

Fourteenth: Don’t take this the wrong way, but…

Fourteenth: How drunk are you?

Hades: Somewhat. And the longer you take the drunker I’ll be. One of you had better get ready to carry me home.

Hythlodaeus: Hmm.. Where in Amaurot do they not cut Hades off after the third glass…

Hades: Excuse me!? No one cuts me off!

Hythlodaeus: Of course they don’t… They just “run out of what you’re drinking” or tell you they “have to close soon”.

Hades: I am a respectable member of society. Haven’t I earned this?

Fourteenth: Of course!

Fourteenth: Just also, can we have some more hints about where you are.

Hades: Hmm. Scoundrels that you are, can’t picture where I might want to host us for a romantic evening?

Hythlodaeus: Uhh… What does Hades find most romantic…

Fourteenth: Stars.

Hythlodaeus: Alcohol

Fourteenth: Clothes

Hythlodaeus: Sleeping

Fourteenth: Oh fuck, that’s it.

Hades: I did not make us a reservation to sleep.

Fourteenth: But didn’t you? You’re at the Aurora, aren’t you?

Hythlodaeus: Oh yeah! The hotel’s restaurant and bar. You have a permanent room there, don’t you?

Hades: Ohhh? Perhaps you two do know me a little bit.

Hythlodaeus: A little bit…

Fourteenth: Hades is so mad….

Hades: I have gifts, you know.

Hades: for each of you.

Fourteenth: uh oh.

Hythlodaeus: Oh nooooo….

Hythlodaeus: They’re probably REALLY thoughtful.

Hades: Oh. They are. Because SOMEONE in this relationship isn’t totally selfish.

Fourteenth: I’m sorry, Hades…..

Hythlodaeus: Oh, he’ll get over it.

Hades: for that, I won’t.

Hades: I will specifically NOT get over this.

Hades: You both owe me.

Hades: This is so humiliating.

Hades: I forgot to cancel dessert.

Fourteenth: OH NO….

Hades: I am going to eat three pieces of cake all by myself.

Hythlodaeus: Oh no, don’t do it.

Hades: You can’t stop me. You physically cannot because you aren’t here and if you try to teleport in I will send you to the middle of the ocean. It’s too late to change course now.

Fourteenth: You’re going to make yourself sick.

Hades: I am. And then you’ll both feel even worse when I get sick in your wash closet.

Fourteenth: there’s a convocation meeting tomorrow.

Hades: I don’t care. Tell them I’m in mourning.

Hythlodaeus: What exactly are you mourning, Hades?

Hades: Oh you know, my dignity. My sense of security in my relationship.

Hades: My digestive tract, mostly.

Fourteenth: It’s a mandatory one, isn’t it?

Hades: So was our anniversary dinner, but that worked out well, didn’t it?

Hythlodaeus: I don’t think we should be trying to get him to go to the meeting tomorrow...

Hades: Oh and you can remember which meetings are mandatory, but not our anniversary dinner?

Hades: Maybe you should be with Elidibus, then!

Fourteenth: But I don’t want to be with Elidibus…

Hythlodaeus: That’d be like dating a soggy bag of sawdust.

Fourteenth: Yeah but like, a worried bag of sawdust.

Hades: Elidibus wouldn’t forget about our anniversary.

Fourteenth: Hades, please....

Hades: please what?

Fourteenth: Please… don’t make yourself sick, at least.

Hades: I am going to order another piece of cake, just for that.

Hythlodaeus: HADES.

Hades: What?

Hythlodaeus: Let’s just… Settle down, maybe stop drinking wine. How much wine have you had, anyway?

Hades: As much as I wanted.

Hythlodaeus: That’s a really nice, specific measurement that doesn’t incite any amount of worry.

Hades: Oh, shut up, you aren’t worried.

Hythlodaeus: Not for your physical state, no. You can handle whatever you’ve decided to do to yourself.

Hythlodaeus: But you’re just being dramatic, right?

Hythlodaeus: You know we love you.

Hades: Funny way of showing it.

Fourteenth: Aw, come on, Hades.

Fourteenth: We know the day was important to you…

Hades: Choose your words carefully.

Fourteenth: But we didn’t mean to hurt you.

Hythlodaeus: Even though we did. The days slip by sometimes.

Hades: But why this one?

Hythlodaeus: We just had an anniversary last year!

Hades: I swear if you make me explain the concept of a yearly holiday to you one more time.

Hythlodaeus: We’re also thousands of years old.

Hades: And that pesky little unit of measurement rears its ugly head again, doesn’t it?

Fourteenth: I think what Hythlodaeus is TRYING to say is that we spend all year with you, and we’ve spent hundreds of anniversaries with you…

Hades: But this one is special, did you know that?

Fourteenth: Is it?

Hythlodaeus: …

Hythlodaeus: Oh.

Hythlodaeus: It’s been a thousand years now, hasn’t it?

Fourteenth: Really?!

Hades: Or it would have been!

Hythlodaeus: Would have? What, are you breaking up with us?

Hades: No, but I should!

Fourteenth: We were going to spend our one-thousandth anniversary at a hotel bar?

Hades: You make it sound so uncouth. That wasn’t all there was to it.

Hythlodaeus: Yeah there was cake apparently.

Hades: You’re right. WAS.

Hythlodaeus: How sick do you feel?

Hades: Very.

Fourteenth: Wait, did you have some other kind of surprise for us?

Hades: Maybe! But maybe you’ll have to wait for the next one.

Hythlodaeus: Next anniversary?

Hades: No.

Fourteenth: Next millenia…

Hades: Yes.

Hythlodaeus: You’re going to make us wait a thousand years to find out your surprise?

Hades: It’s what you deserve. If you disagree I will allow you one hour to attempt to make it up to me tonight.

Hythlodaeus: …

Fourteenth: … Okay.

Hythlodaeus: Are you saying that because you want to know what the surprise is?

Fourteenth: Rude.

Fourteenth: Yes, but also I love Hades.

Hades: Good answer.

Hades: I wonder which of you loves me more.

Fourteenth: Me.

Hythlodaeus: Yeah I was gonna say he does.

Hades: Interesting! Not even willing to compete for my affections, Hythlodaeus?

Hythlodaeus: Drunk Hades has no affection to give. I know when I’m going to lose before I start.

Hades: Spoilsport.

Hythlodaeus: Drunkard.

Hades: Shirker.

Hythlodaeus: Pervert.

Hades: Idler.

Hythlodaeus: Autocrat.

Hades: Malingerer.

Hythlodaeus: Those are all synonyms.

Hades: You have mostly one or two faults, but you truly excel at them.

Hythlodaeus: Uh-Huh.

Hades: I really go out of my way to improve myself, you know.. That’s why I’m the Emet-Selch.

Hythlodaeus: You’re Emet-Selch because you didn’t say no to Elidibus.

Hades: Accepting a position is, in fact, a qualifier. I did you a favor. If I said no, they would have had to go to the poor bastard under me.

Hythlodaeus: In their infinite wisdom, I do not think they would have done worse. He is… Much worse.

Hades: He can distinguish eight colors.

Hythlodaeus: I’m sure that would have been sufficient.

Fourteenth: You are both so catty, do you know that?

Hades: Oh, are you still here?

Fourteenth: I can always still leave.

Hades: Only if you come pick me up.

Fourteenth: You didn’t reserve a room?

Hades: I did, but much like the cake….

Hythlodaeus: Oh no.

Hades: If I’m seen going to the honeymoon suite by myself I will have to resign. I will not survive the gossip.

Hythlodaeus: Surely… The people of Amaurot would respect your privacy…

Hades:I don’t have privacy anymore! They took my citizens’ mask! “Oh who is this drunk bastard going into the sexy room by his lonesome? I wonder who he is? Oh, look, what might that red mask mean?”

Hythlodaeus: You could just put on a regular mask.

Hades: And I’m sure no-one would notice that.

Fourteenth: Hey

Hades: …?

Fourteenth: You done being mad?

Hades: No.

Fourteenth: Okay but can we come get you?

Hades: ….

Hades: Yeah. I'll be here.

underworldSorcerer has logged off.  
soleGardener has logged off.  
goldenUtopia has logged off.


End file.
